| new AIM name |
[Oct. 6th, 2007|10:01 pm] |
I have a new AIM name it's tankgirl344 IM and I will add you.
I am now running linux on my laptop and I lost my old buddy list... |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 14th, 2007|02:12 am] |
Hey guys I haven't posted in a while, because once I got back from New York summer has been too awesome to find myself sitting in front of a computer for a long enough length of time.
Longer entry later... maybe... |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 26th, 2007|01:55 am] |
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How do you know if you're in love with someone? |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 22nd, 2007|02:12 am] |
I can't sleep
I'm sorry for being broken
The mild summer air drifts in through the open window
Smelling of rain on a June night
Swirls the smoke from my cigarette
Around my hand
The white walls buzz like static from a broken TV
I'm sorry for being so scared
I've spent the last year slowly building a wall
Brick by brick, bad idea by bad idea...
I'm frighted because I miss you
So much, so soon; too soon
Too much time already treading water.
I don't know if I'm ready to drown.
No one wants something they have to fix before they get to play.
And I'm scared
Because I think you night be exactly what I want...
A man that will lie with me under an acid moon
Together on a blanket in an open field
And we will kiss as the sky melts around us.
Because nothing is more frightening than getting exactly what you want
We fit together like puzzle pieces spilled on the floor, but still found each other
And I'm scared that I will hurt you.
That I will cause that look in your eyes.
Because there is nothing as unproductive as fear
Fear is weakness, and I am weak
I guess there is only one solution to this.
To let go...
To trust you as we sink down into the dark ocean
Hold on to you as the coldness closes around
For we are all swimming around in this vast deep, dark, cold sea of life reaching out blindly for even just the briefest touch of human flesh. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 13th, 2007|09:06 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  loved | ] |
Is it possible to find someone that fits into your life so perfectly that you can't understand it at all?
I have the best boyfriend ever |
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| What?!? |
[Jun. 5th, 2007|03:25 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  shocked | ] |
The internet better be telling me dirty, dirty lies!
Weird....
The world turns no matter what you do. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 27th, 2007|01:14 am] |
So my first year of college is officially over. I'm moving out tomorrow. I had such a blast at Graduation Palm Court Party! It was funny because it was definitely not the perfect evening. But I wouldn't change it for the world.
Last night, was wonderful I got to end my evening snuggling in bed with one of my favorite guys while wearing a borrowed t-shirt from another one of my favorite guys. I fell asleep to him tracing circles on my back both of us curled up underneath his favorite blanket.
Yeah, it's really interesting, peoples perceptions of me. Ask two different people and get wildly varying results. But, I know I'm not perfect and I make mistakes, but sometimes I just don't know what to say. Because the whole "not my problem" thing kicks in. I hate when people try to make things my problem, blame me for their unhappiness, and when they don't like the truth it just irks them more. The only solution is for me to stand my ground...
I guess first I have to go find where that supposed ground is.
Well I'm going to New York for two months, mid-June to mid-August so if you want to see me catch me now. Maybe in the city I can gain my perspective and my ground back.
Sigh, I'm tired of being the victim, avoiding all the girl's games they play, next time I am fighting back, and speaking my mind.
Well, tonight, tomorrow, everyday is a great day to go out fighting. But that's what life is isn't it? A fight, life is pain, life is struggle. Our negative emotions are there so we can tell that the positive ones still exist. Because every once in a while I get a moment where the Earth is still and nothing outside of us can reach us. And that is the moment of quiet balance when my soul is truly at peace.
When I look back on this year and at the people that have helped me achieve that. I think I know where my ground is. Where I should be. With people that love me, people that have come to my rescue for anything from the crisis to the mundane. Yeah, I know where my ground is. With my friends, if I don't see you. I'll see you in the fall. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 23rd, 2007|12:10 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  annoyed | ] |
Bitches be touching my stuff!!! Either I'm a total flake and put this item somewhere or someone took it out of the equipment room. And by item I mean the faceplate to one of the American DJ rave lights...
It took me two weeks to track down light bulbs for this thing and I'm foiled yet again!
300W 120V mini halogen bulbs by the way are sooo not a standard item.
But I <3 Sam Ash now, they have this new club sound and party lights thing going on that is the awesome. I might work there in the fall. I can sell stuff to audio geeks, because if you are getting someone to do that, a college chick is the way to go.
But, seriously, there is a fucking lock on the equipment room door for a reason. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 23rd, 2007|01:16 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  studing, but wanting a beer | ] |
d^2sp^3 hybridized orbitals...
Yeah the ACS final at 9:15 in the morning...
I'm trilled, seriously. :P
Anyway, PCP will be awesome, because I'm a fucking god of logistics... maybe next year I'll sponsor one...
We'll see |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 22nd, 2007|03:01 pm] |
Drunken laughter and paper hats.
The game is on.
The chase.
They circle hungry.
Not a hunger for blood.
One aches for naked flesh.
Silly children just learning how to live.
How to love.
Locked together, pulled down onto the grass
Sweat drips off a brow.
Eyes fierce, muscles taunt.
Just going through the motions.
A threat.
A promise to be kept later. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 22nd, 2007|02:53 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  poetic | ] |
The starry eyed children
Dancing in their fishbowl paradise
The sun on your face
Sweat drips down your back
Sometimes like mystical shaman
Walking on red tile coals
Coils of smoke
Drifting up from the conversation
Reminiscing
Drunken laughter
Acoustical instruments
Off key singing, slurring into the night
Why do you think we work so hard to stay here?
Heaven and hell can be the same.
Sometimes you have to sell your soul,
So you can stay in grace. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 17th, 2007|11:58 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  drunk | ] |
What the fuck? Seriously? What did I do? ::sigh:: I've got to stop trusting people, 'cause people suck, well except friends. They get you drunk after they pass their bacc. :) Yay!
God I'm so stressed today I've spent the last two days solid, just working on schoolwork, on teh upside I'm going to pass. On the down side, I'm sad, oh, well the problem is people don't realize what a simple creature I am. I don't do the jealous thing... Which makes people jealous? I guess, one point is a dot, two points are a line, three and it's a pattern. Oh, well this is way over three by now. I honestly don't think I'm that special, maybe that's what makes me special.
We all think we're somebody. But in all honesty we all are insignificant, even in the context of this society. But in the smaller microcosm that is New College we forget how big the world is. That's the problem with this school, when you wander around it there are ghosts all around us. Ghosts of forget memories that resurface and haunt us at the least expected times.
It's suffocating being here almost a year and being as recognizable as some of the upper-classmen. I'm just running on instinct here, I don't really know what I want. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 12th, 2007|05:25 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Pei | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | well I do say! | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Stupid loud Pei air conditioner | ] |
Wow, weird. I am a very communicative person. Seriously.
Got a problem with me? Talk to me about it, solved. You can ask Moni and Christie. So why have there been so many fucking miscommunications and lack of communications lately? I hate especially when someone hears me talking about the way I feel about something in my life and assume it's them. I have so many things going on in my life right now. Too many and often my feelings for one thing get entangled in another. Such is being human and on top of that a human that is wired weird.
::sigh:: Whatever, I'm naive I get it, I trust people way to easily. And the problem about that is no one is trust worthy 100%. I feel like a dog and one of those invisible electric fence thingys. I just keep going for it and keep getting shocked. I was broken early on, see? My mother was the one that broke me, it made me grow up much faster then I was supposed to. But she does love me and from that it gave me strength.
When I say things like I have walked through hell and back. That is not a reference to anything recent. Ever listened to the fray's "How to save a life?" It brings me back to staying up all night with my suicidal boyfriend making sure he didn't do anything. Or the time when he was at my house and his father called asking if he knew where his mother was. Why? Because she fucking took the family car and bolted. Everyone thought she was dead. Ashton just walked to my room with me and we sat down on my mattress on the floor and he just cracked. Split apart, this is a man who says he wasn't able to cry.
But I will tell you how he cried, he cried for his mother, presumed dead, and the torture that was the life she has led. He cried for his 4 year old sister worried that she would grow up barely remembering her mother's touch. He cried for his 12 year old brother, an up and coming criminal who's only guidance was from their mother. He cried for his older brother, who has been in and out of jail and mental institutions as long as one can remember. He cried for himself last, because just as on the day that he thought the state was coming to take them all away from each other he was worried about his family. But when he cried for himself, he cried because he thought he failed her, his mother, because he was no longer worth it enough for her to keep on living.
I was his rock for three years. Even when he got drunk and slept with another girl broke up with me. Was cold and distant from me for 5 whole months when they dated. And I suffered in the deepest silence as I watched her physical and emotional abuse to him go from bad to worse. And he came to me a broken man asking if I would take him back, because he would never doubt me again.
And I sighed and said yes. We were together for two and a half more years.
...
I literally just got a call from one of the people who is helping set up a show at the bike shop, so I've got to go let them borrow some equipment. Those seem to be the only phone calls I get now-a-days, people wanting stuff from me, lol. Yeah, being the equipment TA can suck sometimes, but everyone wants to be able to so their events, concerts walls and PCPs. So someone has to do it, because no parties = the sux.
Also, Anya I know you read my lj, sry i haven't emailed you back and no I don't check that other email account barely ever. And I will do those things and bring that stuff back to you. You have my number I think? If not it's on my facebook, just call me when you are around, but I'm not going to be tonight, I'm working from now until 12. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 10th, 2007|02:10 am] |
Best moments of my life here at New College (in no particular order)
-Spilling red wine on myself, my binder and my notebook while sitting out on Alex's mulch porch in first court.
-The night first semester when I was drinking a beer outside Laura's Dort room and Paul raising an eyebrow and asking if I wanted to go over to Toph's and sort this whole mess out
-Brian walking in on me and a guy just after we finished have sex one day at 9 in the morning.
-"Your breasts look really nice in the daylight" (relates to above quote, same story)
-Drunken karaoke behind the NCSA office during ISP.
-Skinny dipping with the phosphorescent plankton
-Following Donita in her golf cart (the director of res life) in the golf cart with my arm slung over the speaker stands after Konnie's (the director of student affairs) party when Paul and I turned to each other and decided that this was one of most surreal moments of my life
There will be more, I'm going to bed... |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 10th, 2007|01:31 am] |
Love's a funny thing. I remember love like fire that burned and consumed, that threatened to destroy everyone standing in its awesome power. I remember forbidden adoration suffered in the deepest silence, every nerve telling you to reach out and touch and comfort. I remember unconditional love, holding him in the parking lot of the mental health facility while he cried for his mother who could even remember my name due to electric shock therapy. But that doesn't mean that I understand love.
The problem is that I'm the type of person that if he showed up at my door at 3 in the morning one random night and said "Will you run away with me? Come with me we'll get away from all of this and go somewhere where we can be together." I would...
How silly is that? Being fearless, because being fearless doesn't mean being devoid of fear, it means facing down everything that terrifies you with an unblinking eye.
I've already walked through hell, I've seen the abyss and looked it square in the eye and told it that if it wants me it's going to have to put up one hell of a fight because I'm not backing down.
Because that's what love is, it's wearing the flesh all the way down to the meat, knowing what is right, gritting your teeth and pushing through that inch. That, oh, so palatable inch, that last step separating you from the hardest thing you've even done in your life, bearing you soul, whole, naked in the dark, flesh for the beasts and daring them to rip the meat, your very life from you. And as the hungry darkness creeps forward, taking the challenge. You are unafraid because you know it is the right thing to do, for love. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 6th, 2007|10:54 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  pleased | ] |
Wow, my Friday night was legendary. Epic, seriously epic, the stuff of counter culture legend.
And on Thursday, Thursday was nice too. It was one of those silly nights that you can always look back on and smile.
Saturday morning I got up totally fried and worked for 7 hours. But that was nice, I miss working with Paul sometimes.
And today I got kidnapped and taken to the beach and now I have a really interesting looking sunburn...
First year is almost over... damn, where did it go? |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 2nd, 2007|10:57 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Pei 344 | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  thinky | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Bowling for Soup - Girl all the Bad Guys Want | ] |
I got Bag End to send us two new replacement tweeters for the 5000's for free. It's weird being a girl in the tech world whether it's audio tech, or computers or whatever. It's all really a boys club, I've gotten so used in the past to learning how to relate to guys and play their games like that, that I relate to everything much more like a guy than a girl. This of course confuses everyone, especially when it comes to dating. Guys are always waiting for me to do those stereotypical girl things and, yeah, not so much.
Whatever, if I'm going to be a complete anomaly when it comes to socializing at least I'm in one of the best places to do it. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 27th, 2007|03:46 am] |
Jon is always impressed by my ability to thrive on things that would slow another person down;
____X-posted from Facebook____
Substances, stress, not sleeping, physical exertion, dealing with others drama, being the shoulder to cry on, being the person to make it work.
These aren't exactly negative things in life though. This is just life. And I thrive on living, usually anything that the average person would consider a bad thing, always turns into something good, often something really good.
We just can't be afraid to take risks, to live life!
To get drunk on a Tuesday and run around in palm court with plastic swords wearing newspaper hats, to ask for help, to love, to hurt, to dream. And all the things that go along with that. To laugh, to cry, to love, to yell, to fear.
Sometimes I feel stupid and apologize because I have emotions. I know that sounds silly, because the more you feel, the more you live life. Pain lets us know that we are still alive and damn sure kicks us in the ass and tells us to get going.
So as I continue to learn to stand on my own two feet, wobbly and unsure I still hold my ground. Because of all my wisdom I have to share the best would be, how young we all are and how much more living we all have to do. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 20th, 2007|02:58 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  frustrated | ] |
So let's see, today, alarm went off at 9:30. Story came and bummed a shower at 10, and I went and got breakfast. I love those little crossiant egg sandwich things because they are always predictably good...
Went to Soc. did well on that exam, then came back to the room and took a four hour nap!!! That was sooo exciting, seriously the highlight of my day... but not my night. The highlight of my night has to be spilling wine on my course reading which proved that this paper was definitely not going to get worked on till tomorrow, even though it's due tomorrow, but at 5 (yay!)
I when to dinner with Moni and that was delicious and fun! Then I was going to wonder around some and take pictures with the school's digital SLR camera that I acquired. But then I got distracted.
Yeah... of course there's more. But anyway happy 4:20 everyone! |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 2nd, 2007|02:34 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  thinky | ] |
So, tomorrow begins the last mod of my first year. Wow, that went by so fast. There were definitely some really really good times and some really really bad times. I wouldn't change them for the world. I feel like I've grown a lot this year especially because I've stayed single. But, I think now that maybe I ready to start dating again. That's the only thing I feel is missing from my life right now, those moments you can only have when you're with someone in that capacity. It's not just a sexual thing either, I'm ready to share myself now, now that I have a better idea of who I am and how I fit into this small world here at New College and the larger world surrounding it.
I am unafraid now. Not cocky, though, knowing that that is often one of my downfalls. But calm and quiet, grounded in what I know I am.
This school is actually bigger then it seems, not the physical aspect, but the mental, emotional, and intellectual aspects that can sallow a lesser man whole. You can get lost here, you can feel very lost and alone at times, everyone does. But to be able to navigate the wilderness and make your way back is to triumph over this institution and not let it beat you.
I feel that every year that I spend here will have a distinctive flavor, and right now my first year's is really becoming apparent |
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crazy_art_chick's journal
Damn
musing and slighty drunk